So don’t delay. Send us your best ode to gorgonzola or havarti haiku. Send us a sestina that rhymes its way into our curdled hearts, a sonnet that shows us the whey, a limerick that lingers long after the pizza is gone. Get creative. Have fun. And remember: The cheesier, the better.
Send all entries to firstname.lastname@example.org by midnight on Wednesday, Feb. 20.
(Cheese image via Shutterstock.)
Dating! Ain't it grand? Well, except when it ain't. You know you've been there at some point: sitting in the car, walking home the next morning, or trying to flag a taxi to get-the-hell-outta-there. Your only consolation is texting your friend: "Worst. Date. Ever."
The other consolation lies in the fantastic leverage you now wield during "worst date" storytime, which, for the Bohemian, falls in our dating-themed Sex & Valentines issue, publishing Feb. 6. That's right: we want you to spill the beans on your worst date ever. Tell us how terrible and awkward it all was, in grisly and humorous detail, and you may be selected as one of the top three winning stories to be published on Feb. 6!
Stories should be no longer than 400 words and emailed to: email@example.com. Entries may be published with a pseudonym if desired. Winners are chosen by an editorial panel and awarded prizes sufficiently tantalizing to cleanse your memory of the awful evening in question. Entries must be submitted by Friday, Feb. 1.
Love & Kisses,
Every year, we host a writing contest in which we start a story and you finish it. After a heated discussion over who was the more important writer for 2009—Walt Whitman or Dan Brown—we wearily relented to Brown's best-selling genius. Plus, even we're not so hard-hearted that we could enjoy making fun of Whitman. Plus-plus: Poetry. Read on and send us your finished story.
The Lost Digital Da Vinci Fortress Symbol
Bob Lamedum stepped briskly out of the Louvre and glanced around. Located at 34 Rue du Louvre 75001 Paris, France, the building was impressive, even to a markology professor from a leading California State University. The April morning was fresh and inviting but Bob was late for an appointment with his sometime mistress, the celebrated astrophysicist-cum-pole dancer Angéle Démon. From there, he planned to meet his mentor, the prominent Odd Fellow and secret tax-dodger Solomon Mines. His phone rang.
“Darn thing,” Bob thought. “How do I work this?”
The phone was new, a gift from Angéle, and Bob was still unused to its flip-top feature.
“Bob!” Angéle cried, for Angéle it was.
“Solomon has been brutally kidnapped! You must return to California to find him!”
Twelve hours later, Bob was in Solomon’s Santa Rosa home. Looking around, he fondly saw that his friend’s favorite touchstones were proudly displayed: a laminated parking ticket, a glass artichoke tumbling from a cornucopia, a sculpture of a sideways hand set nicely on the piano.
But wait. Two items of the five were missing.
Could they have anything to do with Solomon’s brutal kidnapping? Bob leaned against a bookcase and felt it give, revealing . . .
What does Bob see next? Dan your best Brown by finishing this riveting, sure-to-be bestselling story based on a movie by Ron Howard to us in 500 words or less. The five best entries will be published Oct. 28 and the winners feted with homemade cake, cheap wine and excellent coffee. Gifts, too. Send your story to javajive[at]bohemian.com.