satire

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Bigfoot Sighting in Santa Rosa

Posted By on Thu, Mar 7, 2013 at 12:18 PM

Can you see the Bigfoot in this picture? No, its not a Magic Eye 3D image.
  • Courtesy RM Barrows
  • Can you see the Bigfoot in this picture? No, it's not a Magic Eye 3D image.

If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around, does Bigfoot hear it? If that tree is in the Mayacama Mountain Area of Santa Rosa, the answer might be yes.

We get a lot of press releases at the Bohemian, but when the email subject reads “Bigfoot in Santa Rosa?” it’s gonna get opened. And when as much work is put into it as the one we received yesterday, it’s gonna get read. And when there are blurry photos of what might be the elusive, mythical Sasquatch, you bet your ass I’m gonna post that online like it’s a cat playing piano with sunglasses.

As the story goes, a Windsor man walking his dog shot the grainy, shaky footage and stabilized the best shot he had. If you squint really hard, and forget that this is in a forest, and don’t realize that these guys sell Bigfoot hunting trips, it looks like it might be a thing. Not necessarily Bigfoot, but definitely a thing. And hey, Bigfoot is a thing, so the search is on!

The man contacted Tom Biscardi, a renowned Bigfoot hunter in Redwood City. After carefully reviewing the footage, and enhancing it through several filters, it was determined that this could be worthy of more investigation. Though the team is still trying to get permission to cascade upon the mountain, the Bohemian was invited to send someone on the news staff to tag along on the hunt. (We're just trying to find an issue with an open spot for a cover story, honest.)

This isn’t the first time Tom has reportedly been involved in a Santa Rosa Bigfoot sighting. Though his name was not used, it’s been reported he responded to a fake video made by Penn and Teller for their show, “Bullshit.” Biscardi also admitted to being hoaxed himself on the nationally-syndicated paranormal radio show Coast to Coast AM, which prompted the host to demand a refund to anyone who signed up for his live-cam Bigfoot watch after it was promised there would be Bigfoot, no matter how hard one watched.

I’m not in the Bigfoot biz, but I’m sure things like that happen all the time. There's no shame in getting fooled once, or twice, or a few times. Hey, everyone’s gotta make a buck somehow (one offer came to Penn and Teller for $5,000 just to use their fake Bigfoot footage). It can be tough to find the real thing, and you’ve gotta strike while the iron is hot. There’s no time to check the facts or ask the experts. Bigfoot is quick and elusive, and he might turn up one day at Matanzas Creek Winery sipping chardonnay and the next day having a picnic on a dormant volcano in Atlanta. It’s the luck of the draw. Just make sure to carry your worst video camera around at all times.

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Saturday, June 14, 2008

The Dept. of Defense Wants Us?

Posted By on Sat, Jun 14, 2008 at 4:00 AM

The following is an actual email we received; after the jump, please amuse yourself hugely by reading P. Joseph Potocki's businesslike reply.

Listing ID: 2223456108

Complete and update information to list North Bay Bohemian, as a supplier available for Department of Defense bid and sales opportunities in the 2008 Department of Defense Buyers Guide. The information on your company and products will be accessed by Department of Defense and military purchasing agents and buying facilities.

Please complete and submit before 06/20/2008 or you will not be listed.

The Department of Defense Buyers Guide is published by Federal Buyers Guide Inc., a private sector organization that has provided vendor information to the government for over 30 years. If you have any questions regarding pricing or information required to list, please don’t hesitate in contacting me.

Craig Heller

Vendor Listing CoordinatorPotocki answers:

Dear Sirs,

Thank you for the wonderful opportunity to feature our North Bay Bohemian defense industry services in your 2008 Defense Department Buying Guide. As you doubtless know, the North Bay Bohemian is quite proud of its long and stellar record providing Defense Department intelligence with grist for its mill. While seemingly at odds with many DOD policies, in fact we are and remain staunch and enthusiastic supporters of wars, hostile incursions, black opps and torture, as well as any and all conceivable or inconceivable but still over-funded weapons programs. Just evidence our unwavering insistence that all politicians sport American flag lapel pins.

And that's not all. Were it not for the General Dynamics, Lockheed Martins, Halliburtons, Blackwaters and GE's of this country which, like us, righteously ensure American freedoms and liberties for a price, we here at the North Bay Bohemian would have scant material upon which to write our stories.

I see from your email that Federal Buyers Guide, Inc. is a private firm providing a critical services to our peace-loving apparatus of war. We Bohos salute you. It is private initiative and the drive for personal wealth which has made ours the most universally beloved, compassionate and generous nation in the history of humankind. If only we could entirely privatize everything—the military, the roads, schools, people—and put the White House on the auction block along with our vast nuclear arsonal! We here at the North Bay Bohemian have oft fantasized purchasing and festooning a warhead to mimic its mammal-like physiology and put it to best use as a great, big, hot, greasy, red-tipped, turgid. . . . well, never mind that now.

What I'm trying to say is yes, we'd feel privileged to hop aboard the DOD gravy train. We're absolutely certain we can provide a wide range of services at extraordinarily high prices to suit whatever the DOD cares to be fitted with. And we're open to suggestions. One thing you can take to the bank about us at the North Bay Bohemian is that we're a smiley-faced can-do operation, from tippy toes to thinning pates. In fact, we're a lot like KBR. If we don't know how to do something, we're still happy to charge big bucks and say we do. And yes, we plan our own corporate move to Dubai the moment it looks like we'll be facing taxes.

Before revealing the exact nature of our services (they are, after all, classified), we'd very much like to obtain a free copy of your most recent publication so we might fashion our monetary expectations in approximation with friendly competitor pricings.

Thanks once again. We look forward to receiving a back copy of your publication soon. May freedom ring loudly through our combined efforts and via extensive future bombing missions across this great planet.

God Bless Greenbacks,

The entire North Bay Bohemian staff and its many fine contributors

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Sunday, April 6, 2008

Why Go Anywhere Else to Be Cheated?

Posted By on Sun, Apr 6, 2008 at 4:00 AM

"As far as history goes and all of these quotes about people trying to guess what the history of the Bush administration is going to be, you know, I take great comfort in knowing that they don’t know what they are talking about, because history takes a long time for us to reach.”— George W. Bush, Fox News Sunday, Feb 10, 2008

I was kicking around in the city the other day hoping to jaw with my old friend Pete Bingo. Pete bills himself the "world's greatest salesman/tour guide/ private eye," and no doubt is. In fact, I'll wager Pete Bingo is the world's one and only  salesman/tour guide/private eye. Anyway, the two of us go back a long way, but rarely agree on anything.

I'd just scoured the results of a new survey published by George Mason University's History News Network. One hundred and nine historians were queried about GW's presidency. I looked forward to how Pete, an ardent and undying Bush supporter, would respond to the results. He promised to meet me at 9:30, but as per normal, was 40 minutes late.

When he finally arrived it took Pete 20 minutes to wade through, shake hands with and attempt to sell a briefcase full of worthless crap to potential "victims" before ascending the corner barstool with his name embossed on it. "They call me Fanny," Pete told me for the ten thousandth time, "because I'm always behind. But as you know, my services are well worth waiting for. Barkeep, make it a double and keep 'em comin'. My dear friend here is more than good for them."

I grimaced, but nodded, wasting no time going for my pound of flesh. "You're a history buff, Pete. Take a look at this. One hundred and seven out of 109 professional historians rate Dubya's presidency an abject failure!""Who cares? I don't care. Do you care? Have you noticed? Nobody cares nowadays.""Sixty one percent of them say he's the worst president of all time.""Everybody's gotta be somethin'.""We're talking about the guy you called the workingman's friend, who you voted for twice, the guy who claims to be 'The Decider'—you know, the leader of the so-called Free World.""Like I always say, he who hesitates is lost.""Pete, what the hell kind of idiotic response is that? We're talking about the future of humanity here.""You and me, both.""Alright then, I'll read you one historian's survey response: 'No individual president can compare to the second Bush,' he says. 'Glib, contemptuous, ignorant, incurious, a dupe of anyone who humors his deluded belief in his heroic self, he has bankrupted the country with his disastrous war and his tax breaks for the rich, trampled on the Bill of Rights, appointed foxes in every hen house, compounded the terrorist threat, turned a blind eye to torture and corruption and a looming ecological disaster, and squandered the rest of the world’s goodwill. In short, no other president’s faults have had so deleterious an effect on not only the country but the world at large.' And, I might add—he's a world class liar. So how do you respond to that?""Well, he may not tell the truth, but he does twist the facts."

Pete was beginning to annoy me. "What's with you? Are you so disassociated from reality you can't see what's stands plainly before you?""What's with me? Well, I'll tell ya, son. Someday they're gonna write a book about me. Picture this—2,700 pages long. Four feet high. But no covers. Ya wanna know why? Cuz I got nothin' ta hide. I say it all on the ass-end of my business cards. GTM—Get the Money!"

With that I slapped down a pair of 20-spots and made for the door. I could hear Pete's foghorn voice, even over the dive din. He'd already cornered a new victim."Why go elsewhere to be cheated?" Pete asked him. "See me first!"P. Joseph Potocki 

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Thursday, February 14, 2008

Wackadoos, Unite!

Posted By on Thu, Feb 14, 2008 at 4:00 AM

windowwashing.jpg

Word on the street is that 212 Memorial Hospital workers will be pimped out snaking through traffic as buck-a-shot jiffy windshield cleaners amidst that parking lot we call Hwy. 101 in downtown Santa Rosa.

These hospital workers are already fully immersed in career transition classes. They'll be taught to act like non-English speaking campesinos newly squeezed Norte as a billion tons of subsidized Iowa corn bankrupt their farms in Mexico. But never mind, as we settle into the stability oligarchy affords, we no longer need compare skilled to unskilled, blue to white collar, or service sector to financial industry grunts. We're all underpaid debtors, high on Soma and flatulent national platitudes.

In fact, contrary to accepted wish-dom, many of our oligarchs turn out to be foreign nationals. Meanwhile, look for those randy Blue Dogs & DLC types to be licking Repugnican business butts all the way to Dubai and Abu Dhabbi. They've made theirs. Time to move to somewhere with decent medical care and year-round indoor snow skiing—some heavenly place where panhandlers get their limbs removed and holy gospels are printed in dollars and cents. Or Euros and Yen.

I've had the opportunity to peruse the Memorial Hospital retraining syllabus. It's a good one. A consortium of health insurers and drug firms have joined together in providing one spiffy, all-gloss manual to help these 212 schlubs through their anxieties and anguish. After all, that's what health care deniers (oops—I mean providers!) and drug firms do. Help others.P. Joseph Potocki

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