Intel Corporation, Jones Farm 2111 NE 25th Street Hillsboro, OR 97124
While most management consultants model their techniques after history's great purges and inquisitions, I employ a subtler approach for greater effectiveness. Utilizing Stanislavskyian method-acting technique, I do not simply assess the structure of a company, but labor clandestinely to alleviate its imperfections. What follows is an overview of two stock characters I portray for strategic results.
Kenneth Cleaver: The Serial Novel
In every company there exists a department whose essential work is brutal monotony. Within the employees' hallowed cubicles can be heard the slurping sounds as the very marrow of life is sucked from their numbed souls. It also happens to be the stage for my most inspired work! Exploiting my ambiguous boyish sexuality, I function as a one-man pulp novel for the various pleasures of my colleagues. Even those who profess their disdain never fail to miss the latest installment of my scandalous life. By permitting me to rage against the machine on behalf of your workforce, management provides a punching bag for employees who would otherwise spontaneously combust. Decrease in absenteeism and increases in morale and productivity are what you can expect from this role.
Kenneth Cleaver: Hate Object
The role of hate object is guaranteed to cleanse the air within fiercely competitive departments laden with young workers who still believe they are "going somewhere." From font choice to policies to workspace cleanliness, I have a comment for everything, which I deliver with the pomposity of a Sotheby's auctioneer. Initially I'm pegged as a brown nose, but my shameless kowtowing soon earns me such monikers as "suck ass" and "scumbag." Discordant individuals and cliques quickly shed their long-standing grudges to unite against a common foe: me! By working together, the group exposes my whorish and deceitful ways, and when I resign in a frenzy its sense of collective power and unity transcends the emotional gerrymandering of New Age corporate retreats.
My fee varies with the role and scope of assignment. I hope you will contact me at your earliest convenience for a strategy session.
Sincerely, Kenneth Cleaver
Enclosed is part of my brain, some pocket lint, scrapings from my left shoe, fungus I found growing on a bowling pin, and my last remaining baby tooth. After reading your letter, I no longer have a use for them.
Forgot my name Mark Gorman Department of Nothing Else to Do
From the August 9-15, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.