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Kenneth Cleaver 

Consumer Correspondent

Church of Scientology International 6331 Hollywood Blvd., Suite 1200 Los Angeles, CA 90028-6329

Dear Church of Scientology International:

I am shopping for religion. Perhaps this is an inappropriate metaphor, but for my generation consumerism is the dominant frame of reference for all social interaction. I see little point in pretending otherwise simply because religious bodies perpetuate a notion that there is something out there more joyous, more profound, than a banana-republic sale rack.

I am not the least bit curious about God, eternal life, or inner peace. I was raised on Happy Days and Little House on the Prairie reruns. Ontological questions offer no irony or camp appeal to me, unlike their effect on the pathetic and tortured lives of child celebrities. I require the smug satisfaction of condescending to the popular culture I passively feast on each day. I do not anticipate finding this in any religion.

But I could be wrong. I am willing to adhere to religious dictums and will humbly serve the earthly representatives of the supreme godhead without question. I will live an ascetic life, forgoing all material niceties. What I hope to gain, the spiritual payoff, is too tantalizing to dismiss. It is nothing less than an unabridged, chronological listing of each and every individual who has thought about me, Kenneth H. Cleaver, while masturbating.

Please let me know if your organization can help me.

Sincerely, Kenneth H. Cleaver

Church of Scientology Office of Special Affairs

Dear Kenneth,

Thank you very much for your very interesting letter, which was sent to my office. I do understand your situation. I have included here a booklet on the fundamentals of the Scientology religion. Its funder [sic], L. Ron Hubbard, wrote a great deal of books on the subject and I will not try to cover the whole subject with this one letter.

You should visit your local Church of Scientology or visit www.scientology.org for more information.

Sincerely, Marina Garvin Assistant

From the September 27-October 3, 2001 issue of the Northern California Bohemian.

© Metro Publishing Inc.

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