By Bob Harris
I DON'T KNOW what's more doomed to failure: the Senate trial of Clinton or my love life. And let's start here with the important stuff that's really affecting our nation: my personal life. (Which, I might add, has roughly as much to do with the national interest as Clinton's.)
I'm not complaining, but I'm probably the only guy in the world who went to see Saving Private Ryan to cheer myself up. I'm not saying there aren't people you can trust in L.A. I'm just saying there are only 11 of them, and they're all in that Hindu temple in Malibu.
And I just don't have the wardrobe.
So while my hopes for true love narrow faster than Ellen DeGeneres' career options, at least I can pick up a newspaper and see I have a kindred spirit in the world: the Republican Party.
There has never been the slightest hope of removing Clinton from office at any point in this process. The GOP doesn't have the votes, never did, and never hoped to win that many in the last election. But that didn't stop this sad parade of sanctimonious adulterers and liars from trying.
A man's gotta dream, y'know?
You almost feel sorry for the poor guys. They finally get an impeachment and Clinton's approval ratings go up, to a level 18 points ahead of Reagan. It's like getting a girl to meet you at the movies, and she brings a date.
Can't win for losing.
The latest sad flail comes from GOP Majority Whip Tom DeLay, who says the Senate should consider the reams of uncorroborated evidence even Ken Starr wouldn't publish. Never mind due process. The guy thinks the reason the public likes Clinton is because they still haven't seen a sufficient amount of dirt.
Which is a lot like when an obsessed stalker thinks the reason that cute weather girl won't go out with him is that he's not calling enough.
Put the phone down, Tom. Stop with all the drawings of Paula Jones in red lipstick.
Give it up.
Most Americans know our politicians are liars, thieves, and whoremongers. We made our peace with that long ago. What Americans really can't stand is when the lying, thieving, and whoremongering turns mean.
At least that's what most people think at the singles mixer under this giant statue of Ganesh.
HERE'S SOME good news: You guys are a lot less likely to kill me this year. The Justice Department says the violent crime rate is now at its lowest level since they started the index 25 years ago. Now, they're really only talking about 1997's data, since the FBI takes longer to transfer files than AOL. But in 1997, there were only 39 violent crimes per 1,000 U.S. residents.
And if you don't count the Jerry Springer show, the number is less than half that.
When the survey was started in the 1970s, the number was 25 percent higher. And it proceeded to go up drastically throughout the 1980s before turning down sharply at the beginning of the 1990s.
Experts attribute this to everything from the economy to changing demographics. Personally, I think it has more to do with the band Journey, whose record sales track the national crime rate almost perfectly. (Look it up. I'm not kidding.) Coincidence?
I think not.
Look, Journey singer Steve Perry's voice could make anybody a little nuts. So, for the good of the country, I hereby suggest we round up the members of Journey, Styx, and REO Speedwagon, take away their instruments, and prohibit them from playing anything besides klezmer.
The statistics also show that you're far more likely to be killed by someone you know than by a total stranger. Which means your best chance to reach retirement age is simply not to have any friends.
In a related story, GE President Jack Welch is 62 this year.
Finally, the bad news: Other data show that only 44 percent of violent crimes are ever reported to the police. Which means there's still more crime out there than the Justice Department can keep track of. Of course, Journey is reportedly planning a reunion tour.
This blight on our nation must be stopped.
From the December 31, 1998-January 6, 1999 issue of the Sonoma County Independent.
© Metro Publishing Inc.