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Twelve Days of Debriefer 

The sometimes weird bounty of the North Bay—in verse

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On the first day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: A SMART train and a white dwarf redwood tree.

On the second day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Two Pliny the Elders, and a jury for that guy in socks and skivvies.

On the third day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Three counties raining, two reservoirs straining and a parched state not quite yet drought-free.

On the fourth day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Four buds of chronic, three Kush colonics, two grams of hashish and some parchment from hemp that grows free.

On the fifth day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Five coho streams, four meats recalled, three meth labs, two Airsoft guns and a sheriff's dep who got off scot-free.

On the sixth day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Six Drakes Bay oysters, five eco boosters, four tule elk carcasses, three kale-leaf weirdos, two hippie nudists and a parked car where people can live free.

On the seventh day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Seven sheep a-grazin', six cows a-lazin', five lumpy gnomes, four rockfish, three Dungeness, two steelhead trout and a bumper crop on the Bolinas Ridge.

On the eighth day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Eight seals a-fishin', seven whales for glimpsin', six lethal injections, five kayak douches, four fracked wells, three cyclone swells, two Delta Tunnels, and a failed electoral bid from Neel Kashkari.

On the ninth day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Nine windmills spinning, eight cyclists grinning, seven horns honking, six lanes brimming, five Kaiser plans, four more years, three IPA beers, two coyote turds and al fresco dogs allowed at the French Laundry.

On the 10th day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Ten feet of river, nine drones that deliver, eight pints of Pliny, seven pounds of diesel, six geese for foie gras, five PETA hugs, four vegan pimps, three wheatgrass nymphs, two bearded imps and a meth-lab in or around Dillon Beach.

On the 11th day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Eleven Waldorf schoolies, 10 whiffs of patchouli, nine full-sleeve 'tats, eight weird bobcats, seven homeless camps, six sloppy winetastings, five moldy buds, four DUIs, three tie-dies, two henna scams and a trained raccoon scamming all your weed.

On the 12th day of Christmas, the North Bay gave to me: Twelve rent increases, 11 purple fleeces, 10 stinky sandals, nine quails roasting, eight baguettes toasting, seven sharks attacking, six weirdling crafters, a five-chambered bong, four luxe homes, three yurt domes, two beach bums and some parsnips in your pickled goat soup.

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