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America, Watch Out! 

Don't let the reign of error on healthcare continue!


I've thoroughly read President Obama's proposed healthcare plan. And by "read" I mean I've heard what other commentators on AM talk radio have had to say about the various versions floating through Congress. And in these versions there are a lot of devils in the details. Bad devils who look like John Carradine, with curly mustaches and opera capes. All of them from a place called "Hell."

Chief among these details is the so-called public option. Not only does this "public option" need to be taken off the table, the table itself should be chopped up into little pieces and burnt. In fact, it's not a table, it's a board—a "death board" to decide whether or not you're healthy enough to live. Federally funded doctors, some of them from Muslim countries, will decide to send old people off on an iceberg.

Now at last we can see why Democrats and other liberals are concerned about so-called global warming. They need those icebergs for their euthanasia schemes! Former governess Sarah Palin knows of these icebergs—she could see them from her window. And as an Alaskan, she knows the special horror of watching the old, the unfit or even just slow learners made to "ride the snow-cone," "go visit Frosty" or even "take the Polar Express."

Having patriotically refused to ever visit a foreign country, I know perfectly well, perhaps better than anyone alive, what goes on in foreign public clinics. Don't get me started about Michael Moore and his visit to Cuba in Sicko, because once I start, I can't stop for hours. He's really very fat, you know. Cuba, an example? A slave nation that treats brain tumors with banana leaf poultices and Santeria rituals?

How much better it is in Honduras, the Switzerland of Central America, where for a few hundred dollars, doctors will perform any medical procedure from a tummy tuck to a leg transplant. Thanks to the unregulated free market, one Tegucigalpa hospital has developed an innovative surgery. Here, a live Chihuahua is implanted to take the place of a diseased kidney, preventing dialysis and also giving the patient a loyal and friendly animal companion. has an important essay on the situation in countries that have made the mistake of installing government healthcare. Take Australia, a country of shut-ins. From Perth to Brisbane, nothing but coughing, unwell physical ruins. After a few decades of public health, these trembling Antipodeans are now so weak they are routinely thrashed by the kangaroos they once easily defeated in boxing matches. The Outback is now overrun with futuristic, leather-clad punks on motorcycles. They know the injuries they sustain from wrist-mounted crossbows and razor boomerangs will be patched up by the long-suffering Australian taxpayer.

Take Canada, please! The reason why British Columbia advertises vacation all the time is because everyone in the nation is too ill to take one themselves. Rosy-cheeked from consumption or something, these sufferers overindulge in skiing, tobaggoning and mountain climbing in hopes of retrieving enough strength to make it to the hospice. Mounties and lumberjacks lean on one another like cripples, trying to stagger to the U.S. border in hope of treatment. Fortunately, the Canadian government is doing its best to underfund hospitals to prove the error of this single-payer system.

Sadly, this reign of error continues: Norway, packed with diseased wretches; Sweden, "the sick man of Scandinavia"; Finland, a land of stunted men and women barely taller than concrete garden trolls . . . I could go on, but everyone else in the world has it wrong and we've got it right. Further examples would just muddy the issue, and reading just makes you effeminate anyway. I'll continue to get the news I need from the airwaves: from people as physically fit as Rush, as mentally healthy as Glenn and as calmly objective as Bill O'Reilly.

R. W. Goatlips, Esq., is a senior fellow at the Institute for Counterintuitive Studies in Washington, D.C.

Open Mic is a weekly feature in the Bohemian. We welcome your contribution. To have your topical essay of 700 words considered for publication, write


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